A mixed bag this week, as the usual nonsese, gibberish and stupidity from the automotive world collides with the sorry saga of the MG Rover collapse and its ongoing reverberations.
MG Rover – a sorry mess
The sorry tale of MG Rover rumbles on with the news that the report into the collapse of the last volume British manufacturer has said that the Phoenix Consortium bosses – known as the Phoenix Four – who owned the company awarded themselves financial awards ‘out of all proportion to the incomes which they had previously commanded’ and ‘”unreasonably large’.
The wages, bonuses and various other payments were called ‘large when compared with remuneration paid in other companies’ in the report, which has taken four years and cost £16m to produce.
The government will now start proceeding to bar the men from serving as directors of any companies in the future.
The accusations won’t come as any surprise to industry watchers already aware of the sums in question, but the report has also uncovered some other facts that are described rather enigmatically.
• Who, for instance, is the consultant identified as Dr Li – with whom Phoenix member Nick Stephenson had a ‘personal relationship’?
Dr Li received £1.7m from Stephenson, says the report, without the knowledge of other Phoenix members.
• Why did Peter Beale, the finance director of Phoenix Holdings, buy software to scrub his office PC of any data that might not normally be deleted?
As ever, there are more questions that answers in the whole sorry mess – and it looks unlikely that any further light will be shed on the matter.
The Phoenix bosses have come out fighting again, despite a slamming from Lord Mandelson, Ken Clarke and the report.
The report pretty much exonerates the government of any responsibility for the collapse of MG Rover and, despite the terrible judgement made by the company in its product and business strategies, MG Rover was never destined to make money once BMW pulled the plug.
All companies have their time and, by the turn of the century, MG Rover’s was up. The government should have realised that the men tasked with reviving the company’s fortunes were not up to the job.
That’s presumably of cold comfort to the former workers who have struggled to find similar work since the company collapsed in 2005, and they deserve answers.
Since none are ever likely to be forthcoming, the least they should expect is a full and frank apology from the former MG Rover bosses.
For 42 million quid it’s not a lot to ask.
MG Rover remuneration for senior managers, 2000-2005:
Beale £8.981m
Edwards £9.024m
Stephenson £8.976m
Towers £8.958m
Howe £5.708m
Conan O’Brien blows up scrappage car
Conan O’Brien launched a search for the worst car in America and, in a novel twist on the scrappage scheme, blew it up in TV.
Owner Aaron Fast got to win a brand new Lexus in return for his heap, though the fact that he cut the roof off himself and proceeded to get a daily soaking doesn’t suggest he’s the brightest spark around.
Understandably, the show was not keen to put a name on the ‘worst car in America’ and MT is unable to identify it. Any guesses?
Haynes pains
For anyone who’s ever struggled with some routine car maintenance and a Haynes manual, here’s some of the best bits from this genuinely hilarious site on the fabled mechanic’s best friend, and what its instructions and descriptions really mean.
Haynes: Get an assistant…
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Ease …
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to …
Haynes: Apply moderate heat…
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don’t bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
When car clamping goes stupid
Tricky one this. The ‘disabled driver’s car clamped in driveway’ header is never going to garner much sympathy for the council in question.
But then again, Swansea council says it contacted the driver in question in question over an unpaid ticket relating to parking somewhere he shouldn’t have been parking.
Black marks all round, especially for the council passing on the matter to a ‘reputable bailiff’ (pfft!) and the person responsible for fitting a door without a letter box to Mr Chandler’s house. Duh!
Road atlas publisher backs road atlases
Road atlas sales are up, while satnav sales are down according to the publishers of the new Philip’s Navigator road atlas.
The reason behind this? The recession and backlash over negative stories in the press about satnav mishaps.
MT is a knowledgeable old cove on these mishaps, having been introduced on BBC Radio Essex earlier this year as a satnav mishap expert.
Those of you wishing to relive such notable mishaps as ‘driver enters portaloo’ and taxi driver mistakes river for road’ can peruse our satnav mishaps article.
Dougie Lampkin bikes around Goodwood House
Those fond of watching Kickstart in the 80s may be pleased to see that trials rider Dougie Lampkin is still maneuvering his bike around unlikely obstacles.
For those with short memories, here’s a reminder of the best bit from Junior Kickstart, followed by Lampkin’s journey around Goodwood.
Press officer puns self into oblivion
A genuine press release sent to MT’s inbox this week.
Car’s hengine problem easily cracked
When a customer took her car into the garage with starting problems and a strange engine noise, she thought mechanics were having a yolk (joke) when they revealed the eggsact (exact) problem.
On removing the vehicle’s engine covers, technicians at the Carcraft Service Centre in Wednesbury, West Midlands were amazed to discover a chicken. Totally unharmed and clucking happily, the bird had taken up residence and was very much at home under the bonnet.
“I’ve no idea how the chicken got there” said the customer. “I haven’t been near a farm or anywhere you might usually see a chicken. It’s a complete mystery.”
Whilst no fowl play is suspected, the team at the Carcraft Service Centre in Wednesbury are still none the wiser as to where the bird came from or how it got in the car.
“It’s not something we often come across” said Anthony Clapp, Service Centre Manager. “We’re more used to dealing with horse power than chickens! Everyone’s just happy to have solved the problem and saved the chicken.”
Amongst some of the theories being put forward are that the bird could have been a battery hen or a turbo rooster! The chicken is now residing happily at the home of one of the centre’s technicians, who has a smallholding.
(That’s enough hen-under-bonnet puns – Ed)
Tags: conan o'brien, dougie lampkin, haynes manuals, lord mandelson, MG rover, phoenix consortium, phoenix four
[...] And this only a week after a road atlas publisher said satnavs are declining in popularity. [...]