Some say: Stig-isms - the complete Stig introductions
Author: MotorTorque Team
Published: 19 June 2008
Who is The Stig?
The Stig is BBC Top Gear's 'tame racing driver' - a driver clad in white overalls and Diamondback white helmet who handles Top Gear's power laps and is reckoned to possess mysterious and possibly supernatural powers.
While his identity has never been revealed, numerous theories suggest that The Stig is, in fact, Tiff Needell, Jeremy Clarkson, Mark Webber, Damon Hill, Nigel Mansell or a gestalt of numerous ex-F1 drivers.
Two-time F1 champ Fernando Alonso reckons whoever the Stig is, he's definitely ex-F1. Alonso declared The Stig to be 'seriously good' after watching the helmeted one take to a Santander Grand Prix car at Silverstone.
More recently the true identity of Stig is said to have to have come to light in ths form of Ben Collins, though when Top Gear teased the reveal it turned out to be Michael Schumacher. Clarkson went on to confirm that Schumacher is not The Stig.
Watch a selection of Stigisms here
Stig is seen to participate in some Top Gear challenges, most notably racing a Caterham Seven to Knockhill racing circuit and competing against Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond in a race across London between public transport, car, bike and boat. In the challenges The Stig never speaks and often seems confused by modern technology.
The Stig is always introduced by Jeremy Clarkson with the words 'Some say...', followed by an outlandish or outrageous claim, often tied to current affair or contemporaneous events.
What follows is a complete list of Clarkson's Stig introductions.
• Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves...
• Some say he’s wanted by the CIA, and that he sleeps upside down like a bat...
• Some say he appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and that he can catch fish with his tongue...
• Some say he is illegal in 17 US states, and he blinks horizontally...
• Some say that his breath smells of magnesium, and that he’s scared of bells...
• Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all his legs are hydraulic...
• Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals...
• Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he’s confused by stairs...
• Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees...
• Some say that he’s terrified of ducks, and that there’s an airport in Russia named after him...
• Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin’s, and that wherever you are in the world if you tune your radio to 88.4 you can actually hear his thoughts...
• Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his earwax tastes like Turkish Delight...
• Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground...
• Some say that his tears are adhesive, and that if he caught fire he’d burn for a thousand days...
• Some say he can swim seven lengths underwater, and he has webbed buttocks...
• Some say that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark...
• Some say that his ears aren’t exactly where you’d expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott...
• Some say he has a digital face, and that if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar...
• Some say that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he could be bothered he could crack the Da Vinci code in 43 seconds...
• Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and he’s been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show...
• Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nurburg ring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he’ll skive off and play croquet...
• Some say he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother he will headbutt you in the chest...
• Some say that on really warm days he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason he’s allergic to the Dutch...
• Some say that his first name really is The, and that if he went on Celebrity Love Island they’d all be pregnant including the cameramen...
• Some say that he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and that long before anyone else he realised that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs...
• Some say that he once had a vicious knife-fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the Cash-for-Honours scandal. All we know is that he's called Lord Stig
• Some say that he is a CIA experiment that went wrong, and that he only eats cheese. All new know is that he's not The Stig - he's The Stig's fat American cousin
• Some say that if you lick his chest it tastes exactly the same as Piccalilli, and that at this week’s Brit awards he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand...
• Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spears’ head...
• Some say he isn’t machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve...
• Some say his scrotum has its own small gravity field...
• Some say because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name...all we know is, he's called Cuddles...
• Some say he's banned from the town of Chichester...
• Some say in a recent late night deal he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh...
• Some say he gets terrible ezcema on his helmet...
• Some say if he'd been the video ref in the World Cup Rugby Final he would've seen that it was of course a try you blind Australian half-wit...
• Some say to unlock him you have to run your finger down his face...
• Some say if he were getting divorced from Paul McCartney he'd keep his stupid whining mouth shut...
• Some say he thought Star Wars was a documentry...
• Some say he recently pulled out of I'm a Celebrity because he's frightened of trees....and Australia...Koo Stark...and Ant...and Dec...
• Some say he knows two facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong...
• Some say 61 years ago he accidently introduced Her Majesty, the Queen, to a Greek racialist...
• Some say when he slows down, brake lights come on in his buttocks...
• Some say if he'd been the manager of the England football squad last week he wouldn't have been a feckless-ginger-gum-chewing buffoon who ruined it for all of us...
• Some say he once lost a canoe on a beach in the northeast...
• Some say he once did some time in a prison in Canterbury because his teddy is called "The Baby Jesus"...
• Some say that after making love, he bites the head of his partner, and that he's had to give up binge-drinking now that it 's got to £1.18 a litre. All we know is he's called the Stig.
• Some say that each of his toenails are exactly the same as a woman's nipples. And that he thinks the credit crunch is some kind of breakfast cereal. All we know is he's called the Stig.
• Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full-size tattoo of his face - on his face. All we know is he's called the Stig.
• Some say that he is not allowed by law, within a hundred yards of Lorraine Kelly. And that he's never seen an episode of Top Gear because he's a huge fan of Midsomer Murders. All we know is he's called Bergerac.
• Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks. And he can open a beer bottle with his testes. All we know is he's called the Stig.
• Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face.
• Some say that he is not allowed, by law, within 100 yards of Lorraine Kelly, and that he's never seen an episode of Top Gear, because he's a huge fan of Midsomer Murders!
• Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks, and he can open a beer bottle with his testes!
• Some say that he sleeps inside out, and that he once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine.
• Some say his favourite ever song is Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward, and that he has the world's largest collection of pornographical material.
• Some say that he invented November. And that if he had won the World Championship in Brazil last weekend, there might have been one photograph of him without his father, gurning in the back of shot.
• Some say one of his legs get longer when he sees a pretty lady. And that I haven't done one of these for some time and I've forgotten to make up a second thing.
• Some say that he doesn't like to get his helmet wet. A point that was proved last week when he was caught in the back of shot by an eagle-eyed viewer.
...All we know is, he's called The Stig!
Updated - All the latest Stig-isms
It’s out. The Stig doesn’t live in a tree, his ears are exactly where we’d expect them to be and he’s not actually called The Stig - or Cuddles.
The identity of The Stig has been revealed as former NASCAR and Formula 3 racing driver Ben Collins, who actually lives in Bristol.
The 35 year old’s identity has in fact been a fairly open secret in the motoring world for a number of years (MotorTorque speculated the story in June 2008), but had never hit the mainstream-until now.
Recent contractual disputes surrounding the proposed release of The Stig’s autobiography have lead to suggestions that The Stig could be on his way out.
The previous Stig’s identity was exposed similarly in an autobiography. The black Stig was revealed as Perry McCarthy, a former Formula 1 driver shortly after he left the show.
In homage to the tame racing driver, we’ve collated as full a collection of his famous introductions as you could wish for:
Series 10
• Some say that he's banned from the town of Chichester, and that in a recent late-night deal, he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh...
• Some say that he gets terrible eczema on his helmet, and that if he'd been the video referee at the World Cup Rugby Final, he'd have seen ' of course it was a try you blind Australian half-wit'!
• (On African Stig) Some say he's seen The Lion King 1780 times, and that his second best friend is a cape buffalo... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's African cousin.
• Some say that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort pool, and he is, he is actually.
Series 12
• Some say, he has a stripy top, just like mine...
• Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I'm a celebrity because people have heard of him...
Series 13
• Some say he invented the curtain, and that he recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel...for his moat...
• Some say, he has twelve GCSE's, all in Domestic Science. And that he has been producing artificial sperm for years. Even though we have repeatedly asked him not to...
• Some say, that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous. And that recently pigs in Mexico started to die of something called "Stigflu". All we know is, he's highly contagious!
• Some say, that he cut that man's hair [pointing at a man in audience]...
Series 14
• Some say that in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off. And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence, he would at least get your name right. All we know is, he's called the Stog.
James: You mean the Stig.
Jeremy: That's what I said. I said it.
• Some say that he has some terrible plans involving the moon. And that he was turned down for a place on I'm a Celebrity because he is one.
• Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances includes the great smell of Wednesday. And that he was turned down for the job of EU President, because his face is just too recognisable...
• Some say that the drinks cabinet in his car contains fourteen different types of custard. And that while he has been known to leave his house in a bit of a hurry, he's never once hit a fire hydrant...
Series 15
• Some say that his discharge is luminous, and that even as we speak, he is appearing on the main stage at Glastonbury performing his most famous hit, Superstition...
• Some say there are 17 different reasons why he's banned from the Northampton branch of Little Chef, and that his favourite airline pilot is Mark Webber...
• Some say the Scottish released him a little bit too soon. And that he spent all week pushing an effigy of Rubens Barrichello through his desk fan...
...All we know is, he’s probably called Ben Collins, and he’s probably unemployed.
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i grew up with the stig since his birth and i know who is he, but i will never tell you :)
Some say that he´s actually the second son of God, and that his older brother was only a prototype for the real thing...
that he´s from antother planet, & that he can belive it´s not butter!
that he knows everything there is to know about the manufacture of eggcup holders, and that he was originally bought at a car boot sale in Hemsby for 50p.
There are more than one stig. That told a famous Dutch driver
Some say that when he farts, only CO2 came out of his crack, and that his back hair has the shape of Chewbacca. All we know is, he´s called The Stig!
Some say that you can catch him with a box propped up with a stick, and if you feed him after midnight he turns into an AMC Gremlin. All we know is he´s called The Stig.
Some say that he wears Princess Leia hair buns on his backside, and that his nose isn´t all there. All we know is, he´s called The Stig!
He shops at Sainsbury´s and that he once burnt undercooked muffins
he uses lip balm as a stock for his soup, and that he shampoos his armpit hair with fish eyes..all we know is hes called the stig!
Some say that his heart is made of wood chips, and if you look in his eyes, he´ll eat your soul...
...that he does not understand the hobby of fishing, and that he is frightened of Richard Branson lookalikes.
Some say, his farts sound like an Ascari A10, and if you stare at him he will faint. All we Know is he´s called The Stig!
Some say his hair is actually made from steel wool and birds fly south because of his unusually hot thighs,
Some say his blood tastes like milk, and the BBC told him that he has a new name. All we Know is hes called Freddy!
Some say he once ate a Lilo, and that his birthday comes ´round wice a year...
Some say he speaks in a Welsh accent, and that his vehicle of choice is Martha Stewart.
some say he is jeremy clarkson´s uncle and he owns a swiss cheese factory all we know he is called the stig
Some say he has a spare eye on the underside of his arm, and that he was once the Prime Minister of New Zealand...
all we know is that hes called the Stig!
some say that he is a large hamster, and that if you give him cake he will explode in fire.... all we know is hes called the stigster
some say that he is realy the second coming, and his lover is gordon brown,all we know is that he is called the stig
i grew up with the stig, his first ever name was jesus, he named his teddy bear after himself and got thrown into prison for it, i payed his bail and what does he do asks me to drive cars around this track for some stupid television programme, and i´m the evil one, my stupid brother!!
Some say he invented inventions and that he was born in a log cabin that he built... All we know is that he is called the Stig
Some say he never drove with a license, and that he always hated james may.all we know is, hes called simon cowell
Some say if he were to take his helmet off, there would be another helmet under it, and that he has birthmark on his knee that so resembles an edsel that Ford tried to recall it.
i named my fish the stig.
... that his thoughts are 8-bit, and that his bed is coin-operated. All we know is, he´s called Magic Fingers.
some say that he developed a helmet in the womb, and was born with it on. Others say that he was breast-fed motor oil instead of milk as a child. All we know is that he´s called the stig.
some say he went to burger king and ordered a big mac,and got one
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i actually know three facts about ducks